Your face is a jimmy john
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
