I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
