You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
