I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
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we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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