Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
