probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
