i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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