if you like me you must not know who I am
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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