i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
