just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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