Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
