the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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