Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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