I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
