Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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