worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
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The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
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DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive