i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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