Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
