Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.