So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
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Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
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Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.