Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think I just sharted jello shots
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