I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
