Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
