someone threw a dead crab at me
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
