LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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