the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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