She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
