Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
