it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
