her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
