i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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