can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
