The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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