I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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