How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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