3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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