I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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