Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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