he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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