i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
