His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Sorry about my life...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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