So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you will always have a special place in my vag
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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