i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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