So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
we're making bets on your personal life
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
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While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
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If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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