Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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