someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
