No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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