I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
