Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I will pee on everything he values.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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