How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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