As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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