i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
