Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
