My underwear smells like fireworks.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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