my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You left your phone here
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