remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
