Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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