There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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