i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
