I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
