Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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