I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
